Today I went out walking with Johnny in the woods.  We heard something and it turned out to be an old coyote.  I could tell it was hungry, but that wasn’t the part that scared me.  It had this look in its eyes like it would tear the throat out of anything that came too close to its jaws.

I guess I started shaking because Johnny put his arm around me and told me not to be afraid of it.  He said as long as we didn’t get too close it wouldn’t bite.  But I wasn’t afraid of that coyote, I was afraid of the one at home.  The one who has the same look every time he comes into my room to kiss me good night. 

I feel like I’ll never sleep again. 

Mother is pissed!  I tore my dress looking for Grace.  I don’t remember tearing it.  I don’t remember finding the cat at all.  But Mother said that the cat has caused too many problems and needs to go.  Personally, I think that Mother has caused too many problems and needs to go, but that ain’t gonna happen.  Daddy said to keep the cat out of Mother’s sight and let it blow over.  So, I guess that’s what I’m gonna do.  It’s fine with me anyway, I’m keeping the cat with me at all times.  And the further I can be from Mother the better.  Thanks kitty for giving me an excuse.

I hate cold toes, sore throats, stuffy noses, bad hair day and all of my clothes.

I went out tonight looking for Grace.  Things were fine and then it started getting foggy out.  I got nervous and started to turn back when I heard her crying.  It was the craziest thing.  If I don’t write it down now I won’t believe it really happened tomorrow. 

There was a strange man out in the woods.  He had my cat.  I asked him to give her back to me and he laughed.  He was wearing this insane top hat and he asked if I wanted to drive to New Orleans with him.  I told him he was nuts.  Then he said we could fly to Las Vegas if it suited me better.  I swear it was the devil.  I can’t remember even now what his face looked like.  He told me his name, but all I can remember is “t”. 

I felt drugged and out of my mind.  Hell, maybe I am.  But I know what I saw and I know it wasn’t a real man.  It was like something from someone else’s dream.  This makes no sense.  I think I may not be getting enough sleep.  Now that Grace is home maybe I can sleep better and not worry so much.  That’s what it was, stress. I ‘m sure of it.  It would be best to keep this to myself.  What was in that fog?  A long hot bath and a good night’s sleep is what I need. 

Lord, help me to sleep tonight and keep that devil man out of my dreams.  He was too familiar.  I wanted to go with him and I think that’s a bad idea.  Save me from my devil, Lord.  Amen.

I’m depressed.  My kitten, Grace, has been missing for two days now.  Mother said that maybe we’d get lucky and she won’t come back. Is it wrong that I laughed at her when she slipped on the stairs? I’m sure it is.

I think I’ll fix her another drink and leave a banana peel on the second step.  Then maybe I’ll get lucky and she won’t come back.

Bitch.

WAAAAAAAAAR EAGLE!!!




I walked up to the Woods farm today to tell Mr. Tim thanks for the pumpkins he sent us for Halloween. He’s such a nice man. It’s odd to see a farmer who’s always so clean and smells so nice. He must be at least as old as my dad, but in ways he seems so much older and so much younger at the same time. He told me that every girl needed a jack o lantern for Halloween. They frighten the evil spirits away.

He gave me a bag of pecans from his trees and even a little basket of persimmons. He told me not to eat them all at once or I’d be a very sick little girl. I was going to walk home, but Mr. Tim said it was too cold to be walking alone so he gave me a ride in his truck. Just like Tim himself, the truck was an old work truck, but was spotless and smelled like brand new.

He told me I needed to make a visit to Miss Cordie, our local old widow, and pick out a kitten. He had gotten one last week. He said that she had one that would be perfect for me. A pretty little gray baby girl with a little white patch on her chin. I think I will go have a visit. Maybe Daddy will let me have it.

Momma made me dress like an angel for the Halloween party. The wires from the wings kept digging in my back and now I have bruises from them. I didn’t want to dress up. I just really wanted to sit and read for a while and be alone. But around here you can’t be anti-social when company comes. Nope, you’ve got to put on that smile and act like there’s no place you’d rather be in the world.

I truly hate the holiday season. Maybe if I have a little kitten it won’t be so bad. I think I’ll go talk to Daddy about that now. He seems to be in a good mood. Maybe he’ll stay that way.




Dogs talk too much. If I were a cat I’d want to be able to jump like a squirrel. If I were a squirrel I’d want to fly like a bird. If I were a bird I’d want to swim like a fish. If I were a fish I’d just try not to get caught.




I went to bed last night on a warm, humid summer night. Today I woke up on a cold, frigid winter morning. That’s Alabama for you.




The power is off tonight. Some drunk had a wreck and hit a transformer or something and has blown the whole damned town. We’ve got candles burning all over the place and it looks like something out of a Bella Lugosi movie in the house.

Daddy decided it was a perfect time for a party. Everyone’s out on the lawn dancing and singing. They look like ghosts swaying in shadows.

I know its nuts for me to be afraid of my own house. I’ve lived here my whole life. I feel like a two year old crying over the monster in the closet, but it’s just too fucked up looking to feel normal right now. I hate this sort of shit. I’ve never liked scary movies and I sure as hell don’t like living in one.

I know if the power comes back on Daddy will still want to keep the candles, but at least I can turn on a freaking lamp in my room. I seriously hate this shit.




Yesterday was a wonderful day. Daddy took me out to the Sugar Creek orchard to pick some apples just like we did when I was little. It was so much fun. After a while we sat down under a tree to eat a couple of apples and had our little contest. The one who can peel the apple all the way without breaking the peel wins both peels. Daddy took out his pocket knife and went to peeling. I thought he was going to get it right off the bat, but at the peel broke at the very end. I won, but I shared with Daddy the way he always used to share with me. Then, like every other time, he cut our apples in half for us to eat them. He found a worm in his. I knew what was coming. He said “Baby girl, you know what’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?” I laughed and said “No, Daddy, what’s worse?” He said “Finding half a worm!”

It was just like old times. Him saying the same things and me replying the same way. I was so happy. I wanted the moment to last for ever. I hugged him as tight as I could. He smelled like his cologne and outside. He smelled safe like when I was a little girl. But then he got that look on his face and I knew it was over. But it doesn’t matter, I had him again for a while. My sweet daddy who loved me just because I was his baby. I miss you Daddy, I wish you would come back to me.




It’s cool out this morning. I can smell fall in the air. It smells like apple pies, fresh bread, hot chocolate and cut hay. I love the fall. Come on changing leaves, I’ve been waiting all summer!




I fucking hate snakes.




Tonight is one of those perfect nights. There’s no one here but me and the house is totally silent. It’s perfect outside. After such a hot day it seems so much cooler at 70 degrees. There’s a nice cool breeze blowing. And at first it seems so quiet but then you start to hear all the life around you. The crickets are chirping, the frogs are croaking, the owls are hooting, and that wonderful whippoorwill is crying in the night. Every time I hear a whippoorwill I think of the Hank Williams song, “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry”. It’s such a beautiful song.

I feel I could cry right now, but not from being lonely. I want to cry because I’m so happy that I can be surrounded by this beauty. I wish this night could go on like this for ever. When it’s like this on an August night you know that fall is coming soon. But it won’t be here soon enough. Not soon enough for me anyway. Every August I want it to be October. Every February I want it to be April. I’m never satisfied. Not usually anyway, but I am tonight.

I’ll sleep with my windows open tonight so that I can breathe in the peace and beauty of it. I always sleep best on nights like this. It’s just too perfect for words.




I feel all this pressure on me to be “right” all the time. But, no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. Nothing is ever good enough. I could have done better. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not sweet enough. I’m not happy enough. I’m just not enough. It makes me feel like I’d rather be nothing at all. Even my own mind tells me I’m wrong all the time. That I’ll never be anything. I’d run away, but where do you go to get away from your own self.




I love the smell of roses in the rain. They smell so sweet you can taste it. My shoes are muddy now. It was worth it.




God says, "Honor thy father and thy mother." I wonder if He meant a pathetic drunk and a lying pervert?

"Woe to the crown of pride, to the drunkards of Ephraim, whose glorious beauty is a fading flower, which are on the head of the fat valleys of them that are overcome with wine!

But they also have erred through wine, and through strong drink are out of the way; the priest and the prophet have erred through strong drink, they are swallowed up of wine, they are out of the way through strong drink; they err in vision, they stumble in judgement.

For all tables are full of vomit and filthiness, so that there is no place clean." - ISAIAH 28:1; 7-8

Can I get a Hell Yeah!




I wanted to bake some cookies, but Momma said it was too hot to bake. I didn’t care, I wanted to anyway so I did. She was sitting in the kitchen having her afternoon cocktail talking to that damn lamb, and it was pissing me off. So I reached in to get my cookies thinking about how I’d love to stick that lamb in the oven and I burned my hand on the cookie sheet. Momma laughed and said “I told you it was too hot to bake, honey.” But I guess it’s not too hot to get baked.




I’m covered in mosquito bites today. Johnny took me fishing out at the lake behind Mr. Holley's old store yesterday. It's one of the best spots, no one is ever around. He laughed at me because I couldn’t bait my own hook, he had to do it for me. I just couldn’t stand the feeling of the worms squirming in my hands that way. It made me feel sick. But, it was so nice to be out there. I felt so free.

We didn’t catch any fish, but Johnny snagged an old shoe and I caught a snapping turtle. I wanted to keep the turtle until it tried to bite me. I changed my mind then. I’ve always heard that if a snapping turtle bites you it won’t let go until the next full moon. I don’t know if that’s true or not, I just know I don’t want to find out. He told me that there were hundreds of bodies in the lake. He said that they never got found because it was too big to search and that the fish and turtles ate the bodies. That’s why it’s such a good place to dump them.

He had gotten a jug of muscadine wine from one of his friends. It was awful, syrupy sweet, but we drank it all and pretended it was champagne. We got so drunk we couldn’t make it back to the car. It was wonderful. I imagined that the ghosts of all the bodies in there were watching us. It made me feel more alive than I’ve ever felt.

I love you, Johnny, bug bites and all.




Once again I couldn’t get to sleep. The thoughts in my head were too loud and the night too quiet. I hate feeling this way. I hate thinking so much. Sometimes I wish I could turn the volume down and tell the voices to shut the fuck up so I can just feel normal like any other girl. Then again, what the hell is normal anyway? Fuck it all, maybe I can fake it and pretend to dream of peace.




It was so hot today that around three o’clock I decided I couldn’t take it any more. So, I laid down in a cold bubble bath and went to sleep. I had the worst dream of my life in that tub.

I was lying on an altar in the parlor of our house and I was totally naked. My mother was next to me, she had that stupid lamb in her left hand and a drink in the right. The first thing that frightened me was the fact that the house was on fire. Momma was throwing her head back laughing hysterically. Then, it changed and she wasn’t laughing, she was howling. I looked to my left and Daddy was there. He smelled like an old sick dog. His clothes were filthy. He kept pulling things out of my hair and eating them. They were dead bugs and worms and nasty creepy crawly things. He kept saying every time he ate one “We’re gonna save them all Jesus, we’re gonna save them all!”

I put my hands to my face because I didn’t want to see any more and I felt blood pouring from my right eye. It started filling my mouth and I felt like I was drowning. I tried to ask Daddy to help me but when I looked to him he wasn’t Daddy anymore. He was just a skull with maggots in his hair.

I woke suddenly and opened my mouth to scream but it was filled with soapy water. I had slipped under the water in the tub. I sure am glad I woke when I did. When I went to pull the plug out I noticed a fly had gotten in and was struggling in the bubbles. I hope I never have a dream like that ever again.




I’m not perfect. I can’t always just fake it. He sure tries, but I can see it in him. I can see the cracks. I wonder if he can see them in me. Am I as transparent to him as he is to me? How can you love someone so much and hate them so much at the same time? How can he be so wrong when he’s the parent? And what the fuck is she doing? Oh, never mind, she’s not even here. She’s never been here. I just want to be me. I want to be young and upset and to be just me. Not just some sideshow freak that they parade out when they want to put on a show for company. I’ve lived in this house all my life, so why do I just want to go home? I don’t even know where home is. She’s calling for me, must be time for the show.